A Rather Bad Fanfic
by Once Upon a Femmeslash
Summary: My little sister was begging to read some fanfic I'd written. So I wrote this. Evil Regals all the way.


So today I was in the backseat of a car with my 13-year-old sister for about 5 hours. At one point she was begging to read the Once fanfic I've written. If you've read True Love's Curse Can Break Any Curse you'll know why I would NOT let her. So I wrote some quick fanfic, just for her. She doesn't understand why I like Regina, which I kinda used as the premise.

Yes, the derpy stuff in the first couple of paragraphs is true. Yes, her chihuahua/rat terrier is really named Little Bit. No, our last name isn't really Porkchop. But I do have cousins with the last name "Buffalomeat".

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><p>Once upon a time there was a girl who wanted to read fanfiction but didn't want to write. She didn't even want to dictate. She just begged and begged to read fanfiction she probably wouldn't want to finish anyway and complained about some sixth-grader we're related to somehow. And she spilled porkchops.<p>

Also she was very sneaky with her note-passing. And made funny noises when she didn't have a comeback. Also she didn't help her chances of reading fanfiction by writing on the author and trying to delete the fanfiction written about her. Also she begged for food a lot, like Venom. The energy drink, not the poison.

One day she was in the backyard walking her doggy, who is cute. Suddenly the Evil Queen, known outside of Fairytale Land as Regina Mills, mayor of Storybrooke, appeared on top of the playset. She was wearing her super-tall heels and black cloak and jet-black curly hair extensions and overall looked really intimidating.

"You. Melody Porkchop."

"Uh, yeah?"

"Do you know who I am?"

"You're that actress Katy likes."

"Oh, I'm no actress."

"But you can't be the Evil Queen. The show isn't real."

"Oh and I bet you thought Voldemort was just a figment of Jo Rowling's imagination, didn't you? Silly girl. Who did you think killed Kennedy?"

"Whaaa…"

"Use your words, girl."

"What?"

"Still not exactly a full sentence, but I suppose it's better." The queen sighed as she stepped down an invisible staircase to stand on ground level. "You're a non-believer."

"I believe in God."

"That's not what I meant. You believe I'm just some heartless villain."

"You- you are called the Evil Queen."

"Misnomers, misnomers." She snorted. "I hear your middle name is Grace." She took a step closer to Melody. The girl tried to take a step back but tripped over her dog, landing on her bum.

"What- what do you want? I- I'm not Snow White. Katy's the pale one."

"Silly girl, I'm not here in connection to my crusade against that woman. Call this a side mission, a dalliance if you will."

"A what?"

"Never mind. The point is, you take that silly show at face-value. You root for whom you are told to root for. I bet you're a Snowing shipper, aren't you? Maybe even Emma/Graham! Or Emma/August!"

"Snowing? Shipper?"

"Don't bother yourself with the terminology, dear silly girl. The point is, I'm here to exact my revenge."

"Revenge! What did I do!"

"Shut up, stupid head! I would say I will destroy you if it's the last thing I do, but it won't even be that difficult!" She took a calming breath, then stepped forward. Melody gulped as the queen towered over her.

"I've heard it said that there are two kinds of people, wolves and sheep. Obviously, I'm a wolf." She leaned forward. "And you're the sheep. And now you're going to pay."

"Pay! Pay for what?"

*cue dramatic music*

"For doubting me. I raised that boy for ten years. I cared for him; changed every diaper, soothed every fever, endured every tantrum. And you were one of the millions who sided with Emma, the one who threw him away and suddenly came back for him after _ten years_. You're one of the millions who doubted that I love my son. My Henry. You only see me for whatever things I did that you would call evil. Well now…" Her face split into a sinister grin. "Now you're going to regret it."

Melody swallowed nervously. Her dog, Little Bit, sat and let out a small whimper.

The Evil Queen stood up straight, lifted her arms and tilted back her head as howling winds swirled around her. She laughed manically, and the color drained from Melody's face.

"Have fun spending an eternity regretting your choice of OTP!"

"OTP?" is all that Melody could say before being whisked away in a sudden tornado. Little Bit's eyes bugged as she was pulled along by her leash.

Suddenly the winds stopped, and Melody found herself someplace strange.

She tried to survey the environment, but it was dark. All she could tell was they were someplace dank where the ceiling, or whatever it was, was a little too low to fully sit up.

"Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore."

Little Bit sniffed at the air, then growled as a voice came out of the darkness.

"You got that right, honey."

Melody's eyes went wide. "Where are we? Who are you?"

"Oz. More specifically, under the house of that inconsiderate girl Dorothy."

Melody normally wouldn't have been inclined to believe the gravelly voice, but it wasn't exactly a normal day.

"And I'm Nessarose, but you're more likely to know me as the Wicked Witch of the East. Pleased to make your acquaintance."

"Uh, hi."

Melody thought this day couldn't get any weirder when all of a sudden Little Bit jumped into her lap and began to lick her vigorously.

"Little Bit! Blarg!" Melody began as all of a sudden the gale-force winds picked up again and she was deposited right back into her backyard, right back onto her bum in the grass.

"What happened?" she wondered aloud.

"'True love's kiss will break any curse.' I figured I'd give it a shot." Little Bit shrugged. "It worked, didn't it?"

"Uh, thanks?" Melody's mind was boggled by her dog's newfound ability to talk.

Little Bit rolled her eyes at the perceived ingratitude and ran off in pursuit of a squirrel.

Melody started to try to stop her dog from running off when her sister stuck her head out the back door.

"Better hurry if you want to catch the beginning of Once Upon a Time. It starts in like two minutes."

"No thanks." Melody shook her head. "I think I'll read a book."


End file.
